On a Tuesday that looked like any other, Maya stared at her calendar and felt that familiar pinch—meetings she didn’t choose, plans she didn’t want, a life that looked impressive on paper but felt oddly hollow. She had followed the rules, earned the titles, collected the milestones. And yet there it was again, a quiet ache under the day: Whose life is this?
If that sounds like you, you’re not alone. Many of us inherit an invisible checklist—the life we should want—and wake up one day feeling misaligned. The good news? You don’t need to blow up your life to find alignment. You can begin with small, values‑first choices that gently reroute you toward a life that feels like yours.
At Paper & Wax, we believe journaling isn’t performance—it’s a conversation with yourself. What hurts, what helps, what’s beautiful, what’s becoming. The steps below keep that spirit: warm, practical, and grounded in research.
1) Name What Matters (Before You Change Anything)
Why this matters: When your choices drift from your values, days feel heavy—even when they look “successful.” Clarity is the antidote. According to Self‑Determination Theory, people thrive when their lives support autonomy, competence, and relatedness—the sense that you’re choosing freely, growing in skill, and connected to others.
Try This in Your Journal Now (7 minutes):
- List five peak moments from the last year—times you felt alive, grounded, or proud.
- Underline the value present in each (e.g., curiosity, service, craftsmanship, rest, learning).
- Circle your top three values. These are your compass points for the next four weeks.
Want structured help? Use one of these free tools: the UNM Personal Values Card Sort (PDF) or the University of Wisconsin’s Core Values Exercise (PDF) and fillable worksheet.
You can also get guided video sessions inside Paper & Wax's Inheritance Reclaimed, the journal that leads you through adulting.
2) Spot the “Shoulds” Quietly Running Your Calendar
Why this matters: The brain resists abandoning paths we’ve already invested in—the sunk cost fallacy—even when a different choice would serve you better. Naming sunk costs helps you stop throwing time and energy after decisions that don’t fit anymore.
Try This in Your Journal Now (6 minutes):
- Draw a T‑chart: Want vs Should.
- List your recurring weekly commitments.
- Move one item from Should → Want by changing how or why you do it (e.g., “networking coffee” becomes “mentor chat with someone I genuinely admire”).
- Identify one graceful exit this month (a committee, a subscription, a standing plan that’s past its season).
If saying no spikes your anxiety, rehearse with these kind but firm scripts and work‑friendly examples.
3) Redefine Success (So Your Effort Actually Counts)
Why this matters: If success is measured by everyone else’s yardstick, it will always be slightly out of reach. Research on hedonic adaptation shows that shiny wins (titles, purchases) quickly fade in emotional impact; meaning‑rich activities endure. The Hedonic Adaptation Prevention (HAP) model (PDF) suggests sustained appreciation and variety keep joy from flattening.
Try This in Your Journal Now (5 minutes):
- Write: “If nobody knew, I’d still be proud of…” Finish it three times.
- Turn each into a practice‑based metric (e.g., “3 unhurried dinners at home,” “2 hours on my craft,” “1 long walk with a friend”).
- Put those metrics on your phone’s home screen for two weeks.
4) Make Tiny Alignments Daily (Not Giant Leaps Someday)
Why this matters: Big overhauls are romantic—and often unsustainable. Small cues paired with concrete plans—known as implementation intentions—dramatically improve follow‑through. For a classic overview, see Gollwitzer’s American Psychologist paper (PDF).
Try This In Your Journal Now (4 minutes):
- Choose one value (e.g., learning).
- Write two if‑then plans:
- “If I sit down with coffee, then I’ll read three pages.”
- “If I open Instagram, then I’ll set a 10‑minute timer first.”
For extra motivation, try temptation bundling—pair a guilty‑pleasure cue with a should‑do habit (your favorite podcast only while you walk).
5) Use Emotional Honesty to Steer
Why this matters: Alignment gets easier when you can tell the truth about how you feel. Simply putting feelings into words can dial down the brain’s alarm systems; newer research finds it especially helpful during high‑intensity moments.
Try This In Your Journal Now (90 seconds): Name one feeling and one need: “I feel anxious—I need clarity.” Then take a micro‑step that serves that need (clarify tomorrow’s top task, text a friend, or write three lines about what’s foggy).
Want a quick, guided exercise? Use GGIA’s Naming Your Emotions (PDF version here).
6) Audit Your Time Like It’s Your Closet
Why this matters: What you do daily is who you become. An honest audit shows where your energy truly goes—and where you can make swaps. In Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), aligning actions with values builds psychological flexibility (less stuck, more steady).
Try This Now (10 minutes):
- Screenshot last week’s calendar.
- Color‑code anything that served your top values (green) vs. obligations that didn’t (gray).
- Protect two green blocks this week with calendar holds (even 30 minutes counts).
- Move one gray block to a different day—or delegate it.
For more practical tools, browse ACBS’s values resources: Values in ACT and the Values Measures review.
7) Make Decisions You Can Live With—Not Just Live Through
Why this matters: Under pressure, we pick what looks safe or smart to others. But value‑congruent choices are linked with higher well‑being over time (see this open‑access Frontiers article on value congruence and related open‑access review).
Try This In Your Journal Now (3 minutes): Use the Two‑Future Test:
A) One paragraph about your life if you keep choosing the way you do now.
B) One paragraph if you honor your top values for 90 days (no perfection—just honest effort).
Pick the paragraph that makes your shoulders drop.
Watch for traps: Losses loom larger than gains (loss aversion), and sunk costs tug hard. A quick reframe: “If I weren’t already invested, would I choose this today?”
8) Build a Support System That Feels Like Home
Why this matters: You don’t need a giant network; you need the right one. A landmark LinkedIn study found that “weak ties”—acquaintances rather than close friends—can be surprisingly powerful for opportunity and perspective. Read an accessible summary from MIT News.
Try This In Your Journal Now (5 minutes):
- List three people whose presence feels like exhaling.
- Send a brief check‑in (voice memo, text, or invite for a short walk).
- Set a low‑pressure rhythm: monthly voice notes, seasonal lunch, or a quarterly “values check‑in.”
Journaling as Your Decision Compass
Big changes are easier when you have a trusted place to sort through your thoughts. A guided journal helps you notice patterns, challenge “should” thinking, and experiment with new ways of being.
If you’re ready to explore this deeply, try Inheritance Reclaimed—a Paper & Wax guided journal designed to help you sift inherited beliefs, clarify values, and make decisions that genuinely serve you. The narrative‑led sessions feel like conversation, not homework, so you can move forward without overwhelm.
Keep It Human: A Closing Note
A life that feels like yours isn’t built overnight—it’s shaped moment by moment, choice by choice. The real shift happens when you stop asking, “What should I do?” and start asking, “What’s right for me?” The first answer might be small. But small answers, repeated often, can remake your whole life.