Have you ever said “yes” when your whole body screamed “no”? Maybe it was agreeing to bake cookies for that last-minute fundraiser or volunteering for a project that left you overwhelmed and exhausted. That familiar sinking feeling? It’s your inner self waving a little red flag.
Saying no is one of the simplest—and hardest—acts of self-care. But it’s also one of the most transformative.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
For many of us, especially women over 40, saying no doesn’t come naturally. We’ve been conditioned to accommodate, to smooth things over, to put others first. This is where the fawn response comes in—a lesser-known trauma response alongside fight, flight, or freeze. Coined by therapist Pete Walker, the fawn response is when we default to people-pleasing as a way to avoid conflict or discomfort.
It often sounds like:
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“I don’t mind, really.”
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“I can handle it.”
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“It’s totally fine—I wasn’t busy anyway.”
But over time, these small yeses stack up, and we find ourselves depleted, disconnected from our own needs.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls, They’re Bridges
As Dr. Brené Brown, renowned researcher on vulnerability and authenticity, shares in The Gifts of Imperfection:
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.”
Her research shows that boundaries aren’t about keeping people out—they’re about holding ourselves in. By protecting our energy, we show up more fully and authentically for others.
This perspective is echoed by therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab, who writes in Set Boundaries, Find Peace:
“You don’t have to explain your boundaries. They don’t need to be justified to be respected.”
Let that sink in for a moment. Your no doesn’t need to be padded with apologies or backstories. A simple, kind, clear no is enough.
A Story of Burnout (and Breakthrough)
Consider Joanna—a fictional composite drawn from countless real-life stories. Joanna was everyone’s go-to. She organized the parties, picked up extra work shifts, stayed late to help others. People called her generous, but inside? Joanna felt like she was dissolving. Her smile, often a mask, hid how utterly drained she was.
It wasn’t until Joanna fainted during a work event that she realized she had nothing left to give. Her healing began not with rest, but with a small, awkward, but powerful word: No.
Joanna started saying no to things that once felt non-negotiable. No to extra committees. No to hosting every holiday. No to draining conversations. And in doing so, she rediscovered something precious: her own joy.
Practical Ways to Start Saying No
Saying no doesn’t require a dramatic confrontation. It can be soft, gentle, and steady. Here are a few scripts to try:
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“Thank you for thinking of me, but I need to pass.”
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“I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
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“I’m working on protecting my time and energy—thanks for understanding.”
You might also try these boundary-setting rituals:
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Name Your Energy Leaks: Each week, jot down three things that drain your energy. Next to each, write down one small “no” you can practice.
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Set Internal Boundaries: Sometimes, the boundary isn’t external—it’s with yourself. Maybe it’s a rule like no emails after 8 p.m. or one hour of screen-free time before bed.
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Light a Candle Ritual: Before setting a boundary that feels hard, light a candle. It’s a small way to honor yourself and the space you’re creating.
Journaling Prompts for Boundaries
Grab your journal (or any scrap of paper) and explore these questions:
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Where in my life am I saying yes when I mean no?
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What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
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What do I need more of right now—and what might I need to decline to make space for it?
These aren’t always easy to answer—but they are powerful.
The Ripple Effect of Boundaries
The truth is, boundaries don’t damage relationships—they clarify them. They teach others how to love and respect you, just as you love and respect yourself. As Brené Brown reminds us, the most compassionate people are often those with the strongest boundaries.
When you say no to what depletes you, you say yes to what nourishes you.
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